Put It In Your Pantry with Your Cupcakes

Friday, May 28, 2004

UPP - In a stunning decision that is sure to send shockwaves through a
normally apathetic rock community, Clear Channel Communications has been
granted a U.S. patent on the "A" chord, and must be paid residuals by
artists every time it is played in concert or recorded in the studio.

"We think this is a great advancement for our pocketbooks at the expense
of artistic freedom everywhere," exclaimed a maniacal and unapologetic
Clear Channel lawyer, briefly lifting his foot from the neck of
recording artist Beck. "Soon we will own the patents to all the major
chords. The minors and 7th roots will not be far behind. Resistance
is futile."

"This is a tremendous blow to the music community," cried Courtney Love,
who - at the utterance of the word "blow" - immediately excused herself
to the ladies room.

"Bands are still free to play a wide range of scales and individual
notes," said notorious right-wing sellout Dennis Miller. "C'mon babe
its not like Clear Channel is trying to own the f**kin world. That'd
be like Sirhan Sirhan trying to buy a nickel bag from Adlai Stevenson."
Miller then collapsed under the weight of the obscurity of his comments.

"This is just a horrible horrible indication of how far the companies
who own this country will go to deprive us of our precious and
beautiful freedoms," opined Bob Weir, guitarist for the Grateful Dead,
the Warlocks, the Other Ones, Ratdog, the Dead, Formerly the Warlocks,
and a score of Jerry Garcia cover bands. When reminded that Clear
Channel Communications owned most of the venues for his current summer
tour, Weir danced away mumbling, "and the rich man in his summer home .
. . "

President Bush, trying to become the first team since the 1955 Rochester
Royals to have a losing record and still win the NBA championship, was
unavailable for comment. Thankfully.
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