Put It In Your Pantry with Your Cupcakes

Sunday, May 02, 2004

TO: 43
RE: Inauguration 2005

George, I’m only going to sneer and wheeze this to you once: If you screw up your upcoming coronation, you’re going to piss off a lot of people who have invested a lot of money in you, namely the petrochemical, military, and McJesus industries, as well as a whole bunch of Saudi princes, the Illuminati, the Freemasons, all your Skull & Bones brothers, half the Fortune 500, Fox News, and me. So lay off the PlayStation and pay attention for five minutes, please.

I’m sending you, on behalf of your Dark Masters, this memo that I want you to read really, really hard, even if it gives you a “think ache.” People are saying bad things about you, George, but if you can follow the strategy I’ve outlined below and “accentuate the negatives as positives,” you might get to stay in that pretty white house. I’ll even let you take a Taser to Saddam’s sack.

Criticism: People think you’re dumb.
Spin: Don’t listen to those bleeding-heart socialist intelligentsia, the types who actually watched that mean man harassing you on Meet the Press instead of going to church or cracking the first brunch beer. You may not be the brightest bulb in the sea, but don’t spaz. Was Hulk Hogan a bad citizen? Gilligan? America isn’t the land of the smart, home of the A-student. Dumb people are just as good Americans as the brainiacs—maybe gooder.

Criticism: People somehow have this crazy idea that you don’t make your own decisions.
Spin: As any good Halliburton or Enron exec will tell you, what’s the point of being the boss if you can’t sit back and delegate? That’s why you…delegated the undercover rewriting of the Constitution to Ashcroft, delegated the colonization of the Middle East to Rumsfeld, and delegated billions of tax dollars to our various and sundry corporate Superfriends. (Actually, don’t mention that part. It’s a super-super-secret, OK?) Who’s the man? Answer: You and whoever you designate are.

Criticism: You’re a rich patrician pretending to be a regular guy.
Spin: Keep your cowboy hat on. Notice how the hard-working blue-collar folk in the South who voted for you actually think you’re a regular Texan and not a spoiled Yankee blue blood with milky skin? It’s a good thing Mr. & Mrs. Chili Dog U.S.A. are God-fearing yokels without any sense of irony. If anyone questions your work ethic, just show off that one monster callus you got while chopping down cider trees on your hobby ranch.

Criticism: You’re fiscally irresponsible.
Spin: Yes, we’re running record deficits, cutting taxes for corporations, and spending money like Michael Jackson at Thai Boys “R” Us. Don’t deny it…celebrate it!. Borrowing money from the grandchildren of the middle class is the best way to teach them fiscal responsibility. How can we expect them to be adults if we just hand them the country on a platter? And we’ll pay it back. Remind voters that the Democrats want to raise taxes, cut spending, provide free toddler condoms in day care, and impose mandatory mixed-race marriages. That’ll shut ’em up.

Criticism: You spent Vietnam fighting the Cong…in Alabama.
Spin: Don’t forget to bring up two more-important points: There was a real and palpable threat that Communist Vietcong insurgents were trying to infiltrate ’Bama, specifically through takeout restaurants; and secondly, you saw a lot of shit go down in Nam. Specifically on the television, where you saw dozens of low-income and minority kids get their asses shot off on the nightly news.

Criticism: You’re a homophobe, a racist, and a misogynist.
Spin: You have nothing against queers, gardeners, or broads…unless they’re all making a hubbub about “civil rights” or whatever. So long as the homosexuals marry women, we won’t deport them to another country like Massachusetts. Don’t forget to sell them on the wisdom of flinging open our borders to millions of nice brown people who’ll do most any job and aren’t so obsessed about money. And when it comes to abortion, remember: The womb is so sacred a place, we want to make every woman’s baby basket a national park.

Criticism: You’re beholden to special interests.
Spin: If by “special interests” they mean patriots, you are guilty as charged. But don’t be afraid to accuse the Democrats of the same thing. Hell, they’re bought and sold by Hollywood, trial lawyers, the ACLU, Wiccans, Communists, drug lords, prostitutes, child pornographers, and “those” people who “run the media.” What good American hasn’t bought his pal a lunch? A $50 billion defense contract’s more or less the same thing.

Criticism: The war on terror is just a way to keep the country perpetually afraid.
Spin: Never let them forget who it was that whooped butt in ancient A-rabia. You can’t spend tomorrow’s money on Junior if Junior is dead from anthrax. So long as they think their local burger joint off the interstate is a target of international terrorists, they’ll continue to fork over freedoms in exchange for the cosmetic appearance of security. And that’s good for business—and that’s good for America.

I won’t be here forever, kid. At one point I’ll have to ascend on a white shaft of light straight up to that giant bacon cheeseburger in the sky. And where will you be? Where the GOP found you: whoring your famous last name around Texas to mediocre oil companies and baseball teams. Don’t screw this up, kid.

Just use Condi or Karl or Andy Card’s common sense instead of your own and we’ll be back in the saddle again come January. There might even be a warm plate of chocolate-chip cookies in it for you.

This memo will self-destruct in 30 seconds.
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